Midnight thoughts that ought to be out of my mind right now.
It's always hard to tell when you started seeing your parents as another human being than just your parent. The "mom" you used to know as a kid might look like another angsty teenager to you now. Your big and brave dad could look like a sloppy guy home from school.
And sometimes accepting the fact that they're no longer "mom and dad" that as a kid you'd totally say they were your heroes.
And then the fact stands true that nobody ever taught them how to be parents. They had to figure it out themselves.
It's hard to comprehend what they're feeling when their child turns out not as what they expected. I will admit and not deny I am considered spoiled, bitchy, hypocrite, lazy, and rude to my parents, not just a few times, a lot.
I won't deny that it's sometimes a love-hate relationship between my parents and I. I love them dearly, but as I grew older I started to see the "blind spots" that I had missed as a child and couldn't understand then.
They told me I won't understand what they're going through.Maybe one day when I'm their age and I deal with my own annoying bitchy kid I'd understand. But from what I could gather, right now, is that their little boy and little girl are almost bigger and taller than they are, and they have no choice but to accept that the little bundle of joy they've watched since they were born grow into this different being altogether.
And the fact that they've got their own voices that want to be heard.
I have to say I've been what the elders in my family call "disrespectful" to my parents. I constantly cut them off in the middle of saying something, because I had something else to say. I didn't want to be the constant yes-woman, to stand aside, keep her head down, to listen to everything they had to say and take everything in. No, I wanted to be different.
It proves to be a tough problem that goes on in the family. My parents weren't there for me that often when I was really young, so they didn't see how I grew up. They both worked hard to make ends meet, and I see that they've already done enough for me as is. My brother's birth meant my mother had to stay home and my dad has to work on his own, and that is enough stress for one guy to make him go bald early.
I've only ever saw my mom cry 3 times in my life. And my dad, once or twice, a few times.
It was hectic back then when my dad started staying home. He wasn't used to it, and my mother was really dead-set about how things were done. Arguments happened, drama followed, and then they make up, resume our days as usual, and it keeps on repeating in a cycle.
As a child if you had the ability to ignore it all and play games like my brother does in the midst of an argument like what my parents had, you must either be really blunt in the head or you're amazing. I couldn't ignore all the words they've thrown at each other, and I ended up getting affected by words they never meant. Great.
I guess sometimes the words "What you do to your parents, your children will do to you" really need to be taken into consideration.
My mother constantly liked to scold me with "If you were such a useless daughter I shouldn't have had you" and I had accidentally blurted out "What if grandma said the same thing about you back then?"
She went into deep thought after.
I should be used to it now, I know. But it's like repeatedly hearing of the fact that you weren't wanted in the first place. The unwanted child. The one they never meant to have, And it gets to me. As if my whole existence shouldn't have happened at all. Poof, no more me.
Another famous thing she said was "All you bring is bad luck."
There's no proof I was born under a broom star. There's no proof I was born with a black cloud over my head. There's even no actual proof that I wrung everything into shreds or tore every bit of family tie they had into nothingness.
Yes, I do spend a lot of money "without knowing how hard it is to earn money" and I do "talk back like a smartass" a lot. I have my flaws and I accept them. And I try to accept all of yours too, mom and dad. Because love isn't just about love. It's about mutual trust, accepting them for who everyone is, and appreciating time spent together.
I really want to spend more time with you guys, not with the damn TV, not with a damn phone, not with a damn PC. Just a whole family eating together, going out together, doing something together. That's all I ask.
(Yes, I am wholly aware that going out to eat requires money. I don't care that much for expensive food, but as long as we have some fun without having the grumps while eating and enjoyed our meal, I'm fine with it.)
That's all I ask.
I'm a growing teen, I'm weeeellll aware that I like to use "I'm 16" for situations. But it's fact that I am growing, have unstable as hell hormones, am not a little girl but not yet an adult, and I still have the need to have fun and be selfish like any typical teenager would be. I don't often think of myself first these days, having a selfish thought is quickly replaced with "If I did that, what would happen?"
I'm slowly turning into an old woman. What the fuck.
Yes, I like shopping.
But most of the time these days, I enjoy seeing my brother flip through the comic book I just bought for him with the brightest and most interested looks I have ever seen, my mom browsing through the fabrics store with that sparkle in her eye, and my dad sneaking a bite at some of the weird snacks I bring home. (Even though he almost never does it)
I do notice the little details. It's just hard to express myself.
Particularly if most of your entire extended family cannot speak English.
And the few ones who do aren't fluent.
And don't understand what I say when I start speaking or writing in English.
