Midnight Thoughts, July 31st, 2014

Midnight thoughts that ought to be out of my mind right now.

It's always hard to tell when you started seeing your parents as another human being than just your parent. The "mom" you used to know as a kid might look like another angsty teenager to you now. Your big and brave dad could look like a sloppy guy home from school.

And sometimes accepting the fact that they're no longer "mom and dad"  that as a kid you'd totally say they were your heroes.

And then the fact stands true that nobody ever taught them how to be parents. They had to figure it out themselves.

It's hard to comprehend what they're feeling when their child turns out not as what they expected. I will admit and not deny I am considered spoiled, bitchy, hypocrite, lazy, and rude to my parents, not just a few times, a lot.

I won't deny that it's sometimes a love-hate relationship between my parents and I. I love them dearly, but as I grew older I started to see the "blind spots" that I had missed as a child and couldn't understand then.

They told me I won't understand what they're going through.Maybe one day when I'm their age and I deal with my own annoying bitchy kid I'd understand. But from what I could gather, right now, is that their little boy and little girl are almost bigger and taller than they are, and they have no choice but to accept that the little bundle of joy they've watched since they were born grow into this different being altogether.

And the fact that they've got their own voices that want to be heard.

I have to say I've been what the elders in my family call "disrespectful"  to my parents. I constantly cut them off in the middle of saying something, because I had something else to say. I didn't want to be the constant yes-woman, to stand aside, keep her head down, to listen to everything they had to say and take everything in. No, I wanted to be different.

It proves to be a tough problem that goes on in the family. My parents weren't there for me that often when I was really young, so they didn't see how I grew up. They both worked hard to make ends meet, and I see that they've already done enough for me as is. My brother's birth meant my mother had to stay home and my dad has to work on his own, and that is enough stress for one guy to make him go bald early.

I've only ever saw my mom cry 3 times in my life. And my dad, once or twice, a few times.
It was hectic back then when my dad started staying home. He wasn't used to it, and my mother was really dead-set about how things were done. Arguments happened, drama followed, and then they make up, resume our days as usual, and it keeps on repeating in a cycle.

As a child if you had the ability to ignore it all and play games like my brother does in the midst of an argument like what my parents had, you must either be really blunt in the head or you're amazing. I couldn't ignore all the words they've thrown at each other, and I ended up getting affected by words they never meant. Great.

I guess sometimes the words "What you do to your parents, your children will do to you" really need to be taken into consideration.

My mother constantly liked to scold me with "If you were such a useless daughter I shouldn't have had you" and I had accidentally blurted out "What if grandma said the same thing about you back then?"

She went into deep thought after.

I should be used to it now, I know. But it's like repeatedly hearing of the fact that you weren't wanted in the first place. The unwanted child. The one they never meant to have, And it gets to me. As if my whole existence shouldn't have happened at all. Poof, no more me.

Another famous thing she said was "All you bring is bad luck."
There's no proof I was born under a broom star. There's no proof I was born with a black cloud over my head. There's even no actual proof that I wrung everything into shreds or tore every bit of family tie they had into nothingness.

Yes, I do spend a lot of money "without knowing how hard it is to earn money" and I do "talk back like a smartass" a lot. I have my flaws and I accept them. And I try to accept all of yours too, mom and dad. Because love isn't just about love. It's about mutual trust, accepting them for who everyone is, and appreciating time spent together.

I really want to spend more time with you guys, not with the damn TV, not with a damn phone, not with a damn PC. Just a whole family eating together, going out together, doing something together. That's all I ask.

(Yes, I am wholly aware that going out to eat requires money. I don't care that much for expensive food, but as long as we have some fun without having the grumps while eating and enjoyed our meal, I'm fine with it.)

That's all I ask.
I'm a growing teen, I'm weeeellll aware that I like to use "I'm 16" for situations. But it's fact that I am growing, have unstable as hell hormones, am not a little girl but not yet an adult, and I still have the need to have fun and be selfish like any typical teenager would be. I don't often think of myself first these days, having a selfish thought is quickly replaced with "If I did that, what would happen?"

I'm slowly turning into an old woman. What the fuck.
Yes, I like shopping.
But most of the time these days, I enjoy seeing my brother flip through the comic book I just bought for him with the brightest and most interested looks I have ever seen, my mom browsing through the fabrics store with that sparkle in her eye, and my dad sneaking a bite at some of the weird snacks I bring home. (Even though he almost never does it)

I do notice the little details. It's just hard to express myself.

Particularly if most of your entire extended family cannot speak English.
And the few ones who do aren't fluent.
And don't understand what I say when I start speaking or writing in English.

14th July, 2014

My best friend.

12th March, 2014

Despite the constant idea of me trying to sound absolutely literate, I assure you that is not, as I would love to say, often the case. There are times I just want to act like a 16 year old retard.

Retard. Hmph. Wonder how long has it been since I've used that to refer to myself.

And, as much as I would love to say my day has been absolutely SWELL, no, it's not. I've been bothered with the annoying headache that comes and goes now and then. With an exam coming tomorrow.

Utter bullshit, I'd say.

A new student turned up in my class- a guy, 17, came from another school. Transferred over here to Kosas, and I have to swear half of my class are already showing their hyena claws. Mmrrrrr-reow!
Sucks to be sitting in front of him, really. He's a nice guy, not bad looking either, but I can't help but feel irritated and all beef-jerky because the hyenas are invading my personal space trying to invade his.

What's more fantastic than knowing that he's acquainted with the school assholes?
The fucking migraine, of course.

I seriously swear I should cut back on my reading books, but no way am I completely going to give it up. It makes me feel more literate to a nice extent. Book-hangover included a temporary accent, that was a nice bonus for me.

This migraine's getting to me, I'd absolutely fucking love to go to sleep, but I've to study Science, Maths, Civics (or what I call it, Politics) and Malay.

So much to do.
I'd love to ignore all four subjects above and just go and do something else but no, I can't. Conscience.

The day at school summed up: I feel no better about myself.

13th February, 2014

Had a bad start to the morning but eh
Homework.

- Sejarah Essay;
- Akaun modul
- Science modul
- Karangan

Also additional:

Copy nota Add Math
Copy nota Science
Copy nota Perdagangan
Copy nota Akaun

Pay for:
PIBG - RM50
Majalah sekolah: RM15
Yuran kelab seni: RM5
Komsas workbook: RM15 < budget, spare can keep
Modul add math: RM4
Buku amali seni: RM10

February 12 2014

The severe irony of things that happen around me is a bit too much.

Well, as an update, my buddy whom I met from an online game (Eden Eternal to be exact) had dropped by with his girlfriend to adopt two of my kitties (Grinner and Puma, you lucky girls)
I got my first pay, and that's gone pretty quick too (considering my family's current situation- and my lack of sleep isn't helping much either.)

I swear the title of this blog was just a random idea that came to me but look at me now, typing shit at 4am in the morning and having problems trying to sleep since 3 hours ago.

I seriously fucking give up.

January 16th, 2014

Todayyyyy I don't feel like doing anythinggg
I juusssst wanna layyy in my beeeed
Don't feel like picking up the phone
So leave a message on my skype

cause todayyy I don't feel like doingg anything
fuck you and all
Woooooohoooo.

I'll just.. nevermind.

January 6th, 2014.

Today was pretty tiring.
I lugged 5 fucking textbooks to school only to be told my History teacher will not be coming in.
Our morning assembly went on till 9:30 too. At least I got extra sleep.
At least today I bought some things for school, and my PE teacher from last year is teaching again, as the Accounting Principles teacher.
Also, during PE today, one of my classmates said she had heart problems and all. Right a while later, she had to be sent to the emergency room at school. Well, damn, ain't that a good timing. Afterward we had to stay till 1:50 for Civics.
I ended up using the internet instead of studying.

I pretty much stayed lazy most of today, I didn't even bother to finish my homework. We did get tofinish a few more things today, though.

There's also this:

This is probably the one favourite order that we have done.

Some other work I really love:

So, mmmyeah. On another note, I tried out a few dating simulators. I ended up playing more yaoi than expected. I went for the silver haired guy.

And here's to ending the blog post with cat photos and weird stuff.